Not Your Boy
by sainthood
Summary: In her own world dominated by gender, sexuality, and infatuation, the only thing Sara's sure of is that she's in love.   TeganxSara   Quincest
1. Sowing Season

It was empty on the edge of town, wind blew softly amongst the trees. Few firebugs skittered around the empty farm road. Sara wasn't sure why she had chosen this place, what it was about it's desolation caused her to return here many times. Perhaps it was the loneliness it plagued her with, this would explain the uneasiness the girl drifting slowly beside her caused.

"Sara, it's gorgeous out here. I never knew this place existed this close to the city." Sara smiles, watching the brown eye'd girl glow under the pale moon light. Time seemed to have stopped, it was if she was floating across a tear in space.

"I, I love it out here," she laughs with uncertainty, "it helps me think. Which is half of the reason I brought you out here, Tegan." Sara shifts her weight, her palms are sweating. She can't remember a time she's been so over-come with nerves, almost unable to walk. She continues to watch Tegan, a choked smile creeping upon her vacant lips.

"I wrote you a letter," Sara pulls it from her coat pocket, "You have to promise me you won't talk about it until you're back home in Vancouver. Although, I'm doubting you'll want to talk to me at all. Don't worry if you, that's too be expected." Tegan raises her eyes brows, taking the letter from Sara's hands. She glances over the envelope momentarily, her smile fading away much like the ambitions Sara had longed this night would create for her as Tegan's eyes were forced upon the letters contents.

It wasn't long after that they returned to Sara's apartment deep within Montreal's core. They didn't share many words, what was there to say? Sara had rendered Tegan speechless, unsure of how she could even begin to ask questions of Sara's writing. She sits up much of the night, tears falling from her eyes. What had she done to cause Sara so much pain? Tegan shifts in the bed, her eyes tracing the shadows moving on the wall. She thought she had taken great care of her younger kin, always there to lick her wounds when ever they came about.

Sure, Tegan had gone to Sara often about the girl she loved back home, but Sara had never shown any indication this had bothered her. Tegan remembers Sara even going as far to say she knew the nagging pain Tegan endured, spending many of her nights chasing an unreachable star she was sure had been meant for her. Looking at it now, Tegan could tie the connection together.

Although the letter was filled with what many would call and infestation of sickness, Tegan could think nothing more of the shared feelings that ached in her belly. Tegan used to think love as an easy definition, a feeling which immersed one in deep longing for another person. But after tonight, she couldn't even begin to grasp what it was- questioning if her own relationship was Love or Want.

So, the next day she returned to Vancouver without so much as a goodbye and began to think her life over, trying with desperation to put her feelings into justifications that were logical.

* * *

Sara watches the calender, marking a bright red X through the 23rd. It's been exactly three months since the last time Tegan had spoken to her. Sara thought it would be funny to play a game with her self, counting the days, hours, and minutes since the last time the two had spoken. So far it had been 90 days, 1 hour, 36 minutes and 14 seconds, she felt proud she had learned in a months time to make such calculations on whim.

She sits down at her kitchen table, going over a few charts faxed to her from work earlier that morning. Everything floated over her head, her mind preoccupied in everything but her assistance mindless drabble. Sara had worked at her company for almost five years, earning herself a spot high on the scale of the 8 or so other graphic designers belonging to the corporation, she was well aware of her dead lines and upcoming projects with out a community college drop-out informing her every five minutes. Sara sighs, deciding a cup of coffee was the antidote to cure her persisting pessimism.

She turns on the coffee pot and moves to the living room to indulge herself in one the many books laying on her coffee table. She leans back into the couch, flipping idly through it's pages until the soothing drip of the coffee pot slows a stop.

She felt an intense rush of mundane thought flow through her, for a moment she feels exhausted even thinking of walking to the kitchen. Her breathing feels laboured, to blink is a chore. Her thoughts have moved from her present state again, drifting outwards onto sweet memories of her first visit from Tegan.

She had always hated coffee, repulsed by it's flat taste. Yet, she would seem to burst at the seams to make Sara a cup. She even went as far as to fret when Sara commented (jokingly) on how much sugar the eldest twin had added. Upon reflection, Sara had noticed Tegan had done everything centered towards her to perfection. She craved the need to please Sara with everything, always basking in the approval she had received.

Sara sighs, she had concluded years ago their relationship was dysfunctional. What was a few more nails in the board? It's a few moments before she regains her composure and pushes herself to the kitchen. She wipes the stray tears off her cheeks, pouring the hot liquid into a deep mug. While grabbing the milk she's interrupted by the echoing alarm on her phone. She shrugs it off, assuming it's her work. This happens three times before her aggravation becomes too much, and Sara answers with a snappy "Hello?"

"Oh, uh. Hi Sara. This sounds like a bad time. Maybe I should call back. Infact, I think I wi-"

"Tegan?" Her heart skips a beat.

"Yeah.. hey." Sara feels over whelmed, a new sense of joy filling her core. "Look. It's been awhile. I- I'm sorry," Sara can hear the stiffness and strain in her words, she's crying, "It's stupid, and you probably have to work, but I'm up in Vancouver for the week. LB had to fly out with magazine she's shooting for. I was just wondering if maybe _you_ wanted to come and hang out. I-I-I miss you..." Her lips twist upwards, tangible tears now spilling over her hazel eyes.

"Oh, Tegan. I'd love to. I'm sure I could arrange a few more vacation days."

"A few more," Tegan's taken back, "what do you mean, a few more? You never miss work." Tegan can visualize Sara's shrug, her awkward smile shrouding the real reason. Her heart falls from her chest.

"It's.. been rough."

"I know, Sara. I know. But hey, listen; I got to get back to filing this paper work for when I get back. Lets say I can expect you on the 25th?" Sara smiles, that would be Wednesday.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Well, then that's great. We'll see you then. Have a good day Sasa."

"You, too, Teetee."


	2. Milstone

Sara checks her hair in a small compact, twisting the thin strands of bangs from her eyes. She runs her hand through the short layers sticking close to her scalp. She still wasn't used to the missing length- she was sure had she worn a larger shirt she could pass for (at best) a feminine male. This comforted her during the take off turbulence, and the thought was heavy on her mind throughout the flight. She knew a transgendered man, his name was Lucas it was now that Sara figured out the intense attraction he lured her with seemed to be nothing more than admiration and jealousy steaming from her inner-demons. But for what, was something she couldn't quite put a finger on.

She sighs and leans back in her seat, watching intently as the Vancouver skyline came into view through her coach seat window. She squirms uncomfortably, her decision to wear men's boxers an instant regret. "How the fuck does Tegan do this?" she whispers under her breath, earning a glance from the middle aged mother beside her. Sara simply smiles and returns her gaze out the window.

"Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking. We'll be arriving in in Vancouver in roughly five minutes." Sara's heart starts to skip beats. The moments fading away from this are a blur, Sara's mind can hardly comprehend any of the surroundings leading up to Tegan's glowing smile at the concession stands. Sara grasps tightly onto her suitcase, trying her best not to break out into a full sprint. She stops speechless before Tegan.

"Sara," she whispers, her eyes tracing where Sara's long locks used to fall, "You look great." She blushes.

"Yo-you're not so bad your self."Tegan grins, shrugging Sara's playful sarcasm off.

"You're a real comedian. How was your trip? There's a cab outside waiting for us. We can drop your bags off the apartment, I haven't prepared anything. I was thinking I could ta- uh, rather we could go for lunch somewhere. If you're not too tired."

"I'd love that! Well, I mean, it would be nice. I haven't eaten much this morning." This was a lie, but it didn't matter. Sara hadn't eaten for the passed week.

Tegan smile and nods. "Great. Well, this way then."

Sara had always been enthralled with Vancouver. In love with the idea of the ocean, a land mass with so much metaphor that could be found no more than 40 feet from Tegan's downtown apartment. On some nights when she would visit, it wasn't a rare occurrence for Tegan to awake in the middle of the night and find her peculiar twin staring deep into the dark water, trapped in a world of her head.

This wasn't to mention the breath taking skyline of sky scrapers and mountains hanging with desperation on to the horizon. Sara sighs in content, feeling 'at home' for the first time in months. "So how's work?" Tegan asks, cutting the silence. Sara shrugs, tracing lines on the window's condensation.

"It's been, workly," She forces out a laugh, "I got an assistant as part of my promotion. She's a '_real' _ball of fun. She dropped out of college in Saskatchewan and ran to Montreal with the little money she had. At first I thought she was a total idiot, before I realized I had done the same." Tegan taps her playfully on the shoulder.

"You didn't_ have_ to leave Vancouver, you know." Sara shrugs, Tegan knew full well why she had. She didn't blame her for it either. Still, it hurt her knowing her sisters was 1000 of miles away, especially when she would flee to the California coast with the girl she was trying to convince herself she still loved. "C'est la vie, I suppose. You're always welcome back." Sara smiles.

"Thanks, Teetee."

It's an hour before they find themselves seated at an out door cafe. Tegan had chosen a place not far from her home, it was lovely. There were four or so other people at tables in the front. Sara stuck her fork repeatedly into her salad, having no intention to eat it, or anything else served to her. Food held no appeal to Sara, in fact it disgusted her. She felt fine with the few calories coffee supplied her. She couldn't complain about the ambiguous figure she was creating as her curves slowly sculpted to nothing.

Tegan sips on her soup, grinning as her eyes meet with Sara. She looks away, _I have to keep strong through this_. She silently reminds herself, looking at young couple walking by. "Do you not like your salad, Sara?" She shrugs, forcing herself to swallow a piece.

"No, it's great, Tegan. Thanks." Tegan watches Sara as she goes back to playing with the leaves, repressing the ever increasing beating of her heart. Her face feels warm, burning with blush. Every so often her foot would graze across Sara's shin, her hand 'accidentally' making it's way on top of Sara's. Tegan couldn't figure out why she was doing it, or why she felt so comfortable with the subtly flattery.

Public affection was always a strange thing for Tegan. She could always proudly hold her girl in public, she was even bold enough to sneak in a kiss here and there when the moment became right. But this didn't meant she was _entirely_ comfortable with it, it always left her with an uncertain taste in her mouth. At this moment she felt calm and collected, had Sara been her girlfriend, she was sure she would have leaned across the table and placed a soft touch to her lips, without second thought about what the people watching had to say.

By now her apatite is gone, the soup nothing but a steaming mess of repulsion. She sighs and leans back in her chair. Sara looks up at her and smiles. "Finished?" Tegan nods, "I think I am, too. Call the waiter, I'll pay for lunch Teetee." Tegan can't help but feel flattered, the consistency of pet names for each other felt like a blessing.

_What's happening to you? You've gone over this, Tegan, Stop. You have not the time nor mental stability for this. You're smarter than that. _"No, no, I've got it. You already payed flight fare." She places 40$ over the leather bill case, slipping the dinner mints in her pocket. "I was thinking I could show you around downtown. I mean, I know you've seen Vancouver a billion and two times," She's fumbling over her words, "But that was by taxi and buses. I was thinking we could maybe walk. I can take you to some great shops."

Tegan knew Sara wasn't a fan of in-store shopping, but she couldn't stop the aching in her stomach without proudly parading this girl around the city, shopping seemed the only way to do so. Sara wasn't much to objection, as long as she was Tegan she could care less the way the time was spent. So the two girls worked much of the afternoon away stopping in and out of shops, discussing all good times they had shared before life had divided them.

Sara was proud with her composure, keeping her facade up without a single scratch. Even when Tegan had stopped to answer a call from Lindsey later that night, Sara had found the strength to concentrate all her thoughts on the reality lurking below her surface. So that night, while she crawled close to Tegan as the two of them watched a made-for-television movie, she couldn't quiet explain the sadness in her heart.

This was more than she expected, wasn't it? She was sure Tegan would never even think about her again, let alone invite her to her apartment for a week. Why was it that no matter how much she convinced herself that her feelings would never be mutual, she still ached for the soft grace of Tegan. Even if it was just once. Sara could live with it just once, she would die happy. In fact, Sara was sure had Tegan blessed her with it just once, Sara would be sure to kill herself under the ever lasting sadness that seemed to plague her heart. Love was a terminal illness, and Sara was prepared to end it all for just once taste of Tegan's chemo.


	3. Degausser

Sara listens to the pitter patter of rain against the window. Somewhere in the kitchen stems a sweet and peculiar hum, Tegan's singing along to the radio. She smiles and over to face the room, sure that she could sleep on that couch for ever just as long as Tegan was 10 feet away from her.

She closes her eyes and catches a few more moments of rest before the distinct '_clink!'_ of china hitting the coffee tabled before her lures her from Sleep's grasp. An odd pressure consumes the bottom of the blanket and Tegan shakes light on Sara's lower shin. She groans and buries her face beneath the pillow. Tegan smiles, lifting the blanket from her twin's feet. Sara's granted with the advantage at first, but it's not long before her body comes to, and her nerves begin to ache with shocks. Her legs begin to twitch, and it's not much longer before Sara can't stand the tickle.

She jumps up and glares at her older kin. "I'm up, jesus christ, I'm up."

"Oh, good morning star shine. I made you coffee." Tegan hands her the deep green mug, Sara nods in appreciation. "I hope it tastes alright, I know you're picky about your coffee." Sara blushes and buries her face in the cup.

"It's absolutely delicious." She was lying, Tegan had added far too much sugar. Sara figure a small white lie was nothing she would lose sleep over. She begins to study Tegan, enthralled by the movement of her chest as it rose and fell over, and over again. In, out, in, out, in, out; She could almost hear the rhythm of her heart beating within her own chest. She closes her eyes and listen to the beating of her own heart, soothed by it's old tick-tock.

Tegan places her tea cup on the table, leaning over and resting her head on Sara's thigh. She yawns and curls closer, mentally wishing that for even a moment Sara would encircle her and the two would share their warmth together. Tegan hated how easy it was for her to get this close, she could feel so comfortable with something so abnormal.

Sara was right, after reading the letter she should have been inclined to never even so much as think about her again, but Tegan was struck by the polar opposite, she couldn't keep Sara out of her thoughts. Her daily routine turned into chore after chore, hour after hour she tried to keep her self stable from her thoughts. Sara's words had only secured whatever feelings Tegan was experiencing in her mind.

She didn't want to admit it, but she couldn't help it; She was in love.

She's unsure what to do now, dare she look up and chance it with rejection, or did she sit up and in turn risk becoming the objector? She wants to regret making such a terrible move, but when she feels the soft touch of Sara's bodies twisting to accompany her being into her frail embrace, she knows there's room for that anymore.

...

It's around one before the two are awaken by a crack of thunder. Sara's grasp around Tegan tightens, her protection instincts kicking into overdrive. Tegan laughs through her sleepy daze, Sara was suffocating her with her breasts. "Chill out, it was just thunder." Sara twists her face into a playful scowl, releasing Tegan from her grasp and sitting up.

_'You didn't have to let me go.' _ Tegan laughs, Sara wasn't sure whether she meant it or not.

"God, I wish it would stop raining. I was hoping we could catch a movie tonight. Or go for supper. Or something, it's so terribly boring here." Sara smirks.

"Why didn't you stay in LA? I mean, that's where all your friends are, aren't they?" Tegan shrugs, picking her nails.

"If you can call them my friends. They're either there because of LB, or because they happen to know where I work and think they have what it takes to be the next great band." Tegan laughs. "I mean, some of them are really just horrible people, and have no talent what so ever. But I can't necessary say no, because LB would be up my ass about it if I did. I swear, by now I could have made a book of one million and two excuses." Sara smiles.

"You think that's hard? I have four people a day tell me everything I'm doing wrong with my life. I show the wrong shade of pink, and suddenly i'm the anti-christ himself. 'I ASKED FOR CORAL, THIS IS PASTEL'. You'd think I was planing a some old cunt's wedding. I'm making some old guy's company a fucking news letter. And don't get me started on my last assitant. 'Sara, I think you should do this. Sara I think you should that. Sara, I have this guy who would be _totally_ interested in you. He's like totally you type, too.' Fuck, I wanted to kill her."

Tegan bursts out laughing. "No, no, you don't know bad! I had this girl come in one time telling me she was the next Madonna. She swore once everyone heard her, she'd be an instant legend. The self proclaimed 'New queen of pop.' She opened her mouth and sounded like a donkey in heat. It was terrible! I didn't want to tell her how bad it was, she was just so hopeful. But oh my god, if there was a hell, I swear to god her voice would be pounding from the speakers 24/7." Sara rolls her eyes.

"That's what you get for working at a booking agency, ." She nudges Tegan playfully, smirking like a fool. Tegan shrugs.

"It has it's perks, I suppose." Sara scoffs.

"And those are?"

"I had enough money to fly you out here, didn't I?" Sara blushes, shutting her mouth and looking away. Her heart fluttered. This had banished the room into slience.

Tegan stretches out and reaches under the table, pulling out a carton of Marlboro Lights from a hidden lip. She takes one places in the corner of lips, reaching under again to pull out a tiny pink lighter. Sara watches with a hint of a smirk, unable to peel her eyes of Tegan as she rises from the couch and walks out the balcony door. Sara follows, feeling much like a lost puppy. She takes a seat opposite of Tegan, watching to her left as the storm ravages through the city.

Tegan lights her smoke and reaches to a small end table, flipping on a tiny radio. She leans back in the chair and inhales deeply, wondering where the thick tension captivating their space had steamed from. It belts out for a few moments, before fading into a soft guitar melody. Sara stares at the ground, biting her lip to calm her nerves, Tegan tilts her head.

"What's wrong?" Sara shrugs.

"This was Emy and I's song. That sound so incredibly teenage. But it just seemed to fit into everything we did together. She played it the night she left. Funny story." Sara tries to laugh, causing Tegan's heart to break into three billion shards.

"Together?" Sara nods, "Ah. You really loved her, didn't you?" Sara's lips quiver, she's watching the lightning paint her thoughts in the clouds. She shrugs, her face unreadable. This scared Tegan.

"I had something for her. Whether it was love, or infatuation, it still hurt when she left," she looks at Tegan, tears creeping up on her, "But I'm use to that; falling so deep into the minds chemicals that I'm surely to drown." Sara buries her face in her knees, trying to hide the pain from Tegan.

Butterflies swirl around Tegan's stomach, crawling up her throat and causing her to choke. Her eyes burn, the top of her mouth becoming dry. She puts out her cigarette and forces her body up and straight to Sara's side. Her hand creeps out, beckoning to Sara. She grabs it with uncertainty, unsure what to feel as Tegan pulls her tiny body close to her. Slowly she wraps her hands around Sara's waist, feeling the bones protruding beneath her boxers.

Sara places her hands the crock of Tegan's Shoulders. Tegan rests her head on Sara's forehead, looking straight into her hazel eyes, the two of them began to move softly in time. The music hums softly under the rain and thunder behind them, a cool breeze blew through. Tegan smiles, letting the air in her lungs escape. "You don't need to worry anymore, Sara. I'll help you tread water."


End file.
